Dear Double Take,
I'm married for the second time around, and it's my husband's second marriage also. I don't have a good relationship with my ex-husband; in fact, I really can't stand him, but we're civil to each and talk about three or four times a year to discuss travel plans and visitation for our two children.



On the flip side, my husband is very close with his ex-wife. That's my problem. It really bothers me that they talk to each on the phone constantly, almost daily, sometimes more than once a day. She sends him little messages on his cell phone, he sends her CDs that he's made.

I know they are close friends, but shouldn't there be a limit? I've discussed my feelings with both of them regarding this issue, but after four years not much has changed. Should I just give up and accept that she's going to be as much a part of his life forever as I am? Am I just being a jealous idiot? Help me out here.

EDDIE SAYS:
Yes and no. Yes, you should accept that your husband isn't about to cut those ties any time soon. And no, you're not just being a jealous idiot.

It looks like you've done all you can do. You've asked your husband to curtail the daily trips down memory lane, and you've asked his ex to give it a rest. Nothing has changed.

But you can't just wash your hands of this because it sounds like there's some nagging doubt in your letter. Do you trust your husband? Do you believe him when he says (I assume) that his relationship with the former missus is entirely platonic?

It's not totally implausible that two people who spent frequent sack time together could suddenly draw a different boundary and stick to celebrating their friendship vertically. Heck, Jerry and Elaine pulled it off. But this isn't TV, and I suspect you aren't completely buying it.

Not to go Dear Abby on you here, but have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe your hubby needs a third party to get it through his thick skull that his actions are creating doubts in your mind, doubts about the strength of your marriage. If not a counselor, how about a trusted friend who knows both of you well?

But the truth of the matter is, you might not make any more progress with this guy. And if not, you have to decide if you want to continue down the road of life with his ex in a sidecar, or if you're ready to have another ex of your own.

ALANA SAYS:
That darn jealousy just leaps up right when you wish it wouldn't, doesn't it, ladies? Even though you know you have no real rational reason to doubt, you can't shake that twinge of jealousy.

There are a couple of different ways to look at this particular situation, though. Is this the biggest problem in your relationship? Are you otherwise happy and secure with your husband? If so, suck it up and deal with your man's relationship with his ex, comfortable with the fact that it's purely platonic.

Just tell yourself you're not going to let it bother you anymore -- not that you have to be happy about it, or even act like you are. But if he already knows it bothers you, it won't help to be sour at every occurrence.

However, like Eddie said, this situation might be indicating some lurking distrust. If so, you have bigger problems -- ones that you should investigate openly with your husband and with a counselor.

But if you've convinced yourself that this jealousy is irrational and it just won't go away, think of it this way: If you're upset about your husband's ex, that means she is manipulating you -- indirectly, of course, and likely unintentionally. But don't let her have that kind of power over your emotions. If you and your husband love and trust each other, nobody -- not even his ex -- is a threat.

Dear Double Take,
I'm 36 and I've been divorced (a good decision) for six years. Eight months ago, my boyfriend of four years and I broke up, and here I am, single again. I'm 5 feet 10 inches, 145 pounds, blonde, cute, reasonably intelligent and somewhat assertive.

Apparently I live in a city where dating is just not a happening thing, and after talking to some other folks, they have the same problem. I've had two dates in eight months (I asked them out) and I'm wondering if I'm too forward, but it seems like if I don't ask, I never go out.

I go to the gym fairly regularly and meet people; however, I don't like to use it as a pickup place, and even though I look, I don't usually see or meet anyone there that I want to date.

However, that changed recently, but I think I've gotten a little gun-shy. Due to previous experiences, I'm frightened to death to talk to this person. I finally gathered enough courage to go over and introduce myself and we had a nice conversation for five minutes, and then I had to leave.

Since then, we've said hello several times and he seems genuinely happy to see me. Should I ask the guy out or wait to see if he asks me? I guess the worst thing that can happen is that he says no, but I'm a little afraid of the rejection.

I guess I've sort of answered my own question, but someone else's opinion would be nice.

You're right -- you have answered your own question. Come on, ask the guy out. You were brave enough to do it before, and you can do it again.

However, since you don't know him well, make it a subtle gesture -- something that will make him wonder if it's really a date or a friendship outing. I, personally, would much rather get to know someone over a laid-back cup of coffee than on a formal dinner-and-movie night.

Perhaps there's something in your conversation that can help. What did you talk about? Does he work by that cute coffee shop you've visited once or twice? Suggest an outing there. Does he like to run outdoor trails? Maybe you can join him sometime.

If you don't know enough about him to steer your invitation toward him, strike up another conversation and suggest finishing it over a beer at the bar down the street. Say you need to celebrate a work success or you need to recover from a bad day -- either way, present it more as you wanting a friend than about him being put on the spot.

Then, after a "non-date" outing, you'll know if you want to pursue him more. And you'll get a much better sense of whether he's into you, too.

EDDIE SAYS:
Wow. What more can I add to that? I think Alana sketched out enough possible first steps for you. I guess all I can do is provide the rah-rah pep talk. Guys are good for that kinda thing.

OK, I'll admit that I haven't been on the dating scene in quite awhile (12 years on Sunday, to be exact). But I've been through this enough with my single friends that I think I still have a finger on the pulse of the single scene.

At least enough to tell you this -- when you're out there dating, you have to accept rejection. Sometimes a lot of it. So thicken up your skin and get out there.

Let's use this somewhat tortured analogy -- instead of being single, pretend you're unemployed. You wouldn't sit on the sidelines if you came across an interesting job opening, would you? You wouldn't wonder, "Should I apply for this? What if they turn me down?"

Of course not -- nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Which leads me to my next point. You sound like a reasonably self-confident person. Make that work for you -- you have to have a bit of an ego when you're throwing yourself out there for all the world to see.

If a guy rejects you, your attitude should be, "Too bad buddy -- your loss." Trust me, most guys I know like a woman with an air of confidence about her. There's nothing worse than a clingy, whiny woman constantly searching for validation.

Show this guy what you're all about, show him why he'd be nuts to turn you down, and if it doesn't work out, hey, it's his loss.

To paraphrase the great William Wallace in "Braveheart" -- everybody dies, but not everybody lives. Don't be afraid to get out there and live.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com.

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