I've recently made my transformation into middle-American suburbanite complete by joining a bowling league. Now, before you chuckle at the stereotyped image of the overweight gringo chugging beers while he rolls the rock, there's more to the story.

Far from your ordinary league of shift workers and fellow suburbanites, this is an on-campus league at a local university. Thus, it's populated by wacky students, profs, and service personnel warped by long exposure to university life.

Of course, any good bowling team has to have a bowling shirt. Since our team is made up of folks from the psychology department (I'm their favorite test subject), we had one of the inmates come up with the image at right.

Is there any wonder that our weekly opponents are terrified of us? In fact, they're so frightened that, in the burst of hysterical strength, they usually whup us pretty thoroughly. We've won about a quarter of our games so far, but at least we LOOK good.

So, it should come as no surprise that this week's first story comes from the world of pins and alleys.

Bowlers at the lanes in Wyndham, N.H., were made a bit suspicious when they saw an unknown man talking to kids playing video games, and they leaped (OK, walked in bowling shoes) into action when they saw him tap a young girl on the shoulder and have her follow him out of the alley.

Some of the bowlers confronted the suspect fellow, and he professed to knowing nothing about the 8-year-old girl following him. However, the girl said that he'd tried to ask her to follow him into the parking lot and she'd refused, but then done so when he ordered her to.

It's probably a good thing this didn't turn into a foot chase. We bowlers aren't necessarily the most fit bunch, and adding slick-soled bowling shoes to the mix could only end badly.

More Criminal Capers

Well, actually, this one may not qualify as a "criminal" caper ... if you believe the excuse.

A grocery store owner in Evansville, Ind., was startled to hear a man calling for help from his chimney when he opened for business. When police arrived, and firefighters rescued the man from his imprisonment, he was initially suspected of attempted burglary.

However, the 17 hours he'd spent trapped in the chimney had given our hero plenty of time to spin a yarn that got him off scot-free. He told the cops that he'd chased his pet parrot onto the roof of the store, then followed it when it flew down the chimney.

One would assume that, if the story were true, the bird would still have been in the chimney, prevented from escaping by its owners wedged bulk. However, the Evansville officers let the man go to a hospital, rather than the local jail.

Of course, had he been charged and convicted, he probably could have counted the chimney imprisonment as time served and walked anyway.

Want Gore With That?

Seemingly taking a cue from some of the radical anti-abortion forces, our favorite lunatics at PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, have begun pestering lunchtime crowds in Raleigh, N.C., with a media truck, which runs a graphic hourlong film of animals being slaughtered.

Proving that they haven't grown any sharper over the years, however, the PETAphiles "forgot" to get a permit, so their display had to go.

PETA's campaign manager, Bill Rivas, showing the sort of logic that must be refreshing for its lack of anything resembling good sense, claimed that his truckload of gore flicks was providing a "service" to lunch patrons.

He reiterated PETA's tired claim that if slaughterhouses had glass walls, no one would eat meat.

Bill, buddy, anyone with half a brain knows that the moo-cow standing in the field doesn't become that tasty ribeye on my plate without a trip through something approaching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It's called the food chain. The simple fact is that the steer who became the hamburger I had for lunch would not exist were it not for us carnivores. It's not as if we're hunting wild cows (they don't exist) for our meals.

Turn off the video, pick up a steak sandwich, and mellow out, man.

For Sale: Emotional Baggage

And, finally, this week's journey takes us to Cincinnati, where Jean Ridenour has decided to try and make the best of a bad situation by selling some of the items left behind after a breakup.

On the block, in her eBay auction, were a briefcase full of mementos, CDs, and various other items that reminded her of her ex.

The ex lives overseas, and traveling to see him got her into the considerable debt she's trying to pay off with the sale.

I've got to say that this is perhaps the most civilized way I've ever heard of to end a relationship. Far better to render a buck or two from the detritus than burn them or, worse, sit and moan over them for months on end. I'm sure that, should my wife and I ever part, she could live in comfort to the end of her days off the profits from my Weird Chronicles notebooks.

Well, the alley manager is flicking the lights off and on, and these shoes are giving me a blister. Tune in next week on Thursday for a special spooky Halloween edition of the Weird Chronicles!

In the meantime, I look forward to hearing from all of you! Drop me a line anytime.