I'm writing this from the secret bunker hidden far beneath the sprawling suburban Weird Chronicles complex. The air ducts are guarded with laser beams and the elevator shaft has been filled in with undercooked oatmeal, sealing it tighter than cement would have.

Why have I gone to Alert Status Gonzo, you ask? Well, my friends, after almost two years of successfully tiptoeing around the edges from time to time, I've dived full-length into the shark-filled pool that is UFO theory and practice.

You no doubt remember the picture at right from last week's edition of the Chronicles. In that issue, I asked for input from you, faithful readers, as to what the circled object in the picture might be. Hoo boy, did THAT strike a nerve.

From the mundane (two mating dragonflies) to the flat-out alien-inspired (flying hot-dog man with birdie friends pecking), the responses ran the gamut. However, the majority referred me to a visual phenomenon known as "rods." I'd heard mention of them while on late-night drives, listening to Art Bell, but never really looked into them.

Now I have, and I'd like to say it's all been made clear, but I'd also like to say I've won the lottery and this is the final issue of the Chronicles. Neither statement would be true. From my online research, I've deduced a few basic "truths" about rods.

Rods appear in the skies, in caves, in homes, and basically anywhere there's a camera of any sort.

Rods may or may not be connected to prehistoric life form design.

Giant squids and rods may use the same propulsive method.

Rods are fascinated by, and like to fly next to, frisbees and boomerangs.

Now, none of the above are exactly what you'd call the Unified Field Theory of Rods. In fact, they remind me strongly of the sort of "research" I tend to embark upon after a six-pack of Shiner. There seems to be a lack of strong scientific concentration on rods.

I say knock off all the research on nebulous things like global warming, continental drift and mountain gorillas and redirect all that funding and effort to rods. You'll thank me one morning when you wake up and find one of these flying menaces investigating your left nostril.

Now that I've shined some light on the Rod Menace, I'm sure the Men In Black will be by shortly to "replace" me with someone who looks just like me, but has no interest whatsoever in visual phenomena. Perhaps if I throw in a couple of "normal" Chronicles entries, they'll be thrown off the scent.

Evil Squirrels Abroad

Several alert readers sent in an item from CNN concerning a furry little tree rat terrorizing the town of Knutsford, in central England.

According to the report, the squirrel bit a 2-year-old girl on the forehead. Other sources claim the ferocious furball bit a woman on the ankle and attacked a man mowing his yard.

The grandfather of the 2-year-old, Geoff Horth, rescued the town from the grip of tree-dwelling terror by bringing down the offending rodent with an air rifle. However, there is a large population of gray squirrels in the town, so it's just a matter of time before they strike again.

Knutsford could be said to have bought at least a bit of its trouble. Back in the 1990s, one Derek Squirrel served as deputy mayor for several years. No insult to Derek, but that's the sort of signal the Evil Squirrels look for when they're hunting new targets of conquest.

Be safe! If there's a Leonard Doberman or Alice Pit Bull on the ballot next Election Day, cast your vote that way. Avoid surnames such as Rabbit, Squirrel, Chipmunk or Kitten. Kittens are well-known allies of the Evil Squirrels, beguiling us with their cuteness while they study us for weaknesses.

Like A (Muffled) Virgin

Speaking before city council is one of our great American rights. Head for the council chambers of any major urban center on meeting day and you'll witness the biggest bunch of ax-grinders, nutcases, New World Order paranoiacs and world-class whiners. It's the most fun you can have without finding a circus sideshow.

The mayor of Virgin, Utah, one Jay Lee, is determined to change this whole structure. He's begun charging folks $25 every time they get up to speak at Town Council planning and zoning sessions.

You may remember Virgin as the same town that passed an ordinance a couple years back requiring every homeowner to purchase a gun for home defense. The ACLU was just as enchanted by that law as it is about the speaking fee.

I'm going to take up a collection, load up a vanload of the loudest, fastest, most incoherent babblers I can get hold of, and head for Utah. Call it a blow for democracy.

So, how's life in your world? Any freaky flying objects? Any bumps in the night? Drop me a line anytime!

Previous Stories:

• Nov. 8, 2002: Attack Of The Glowing Cat Doots
• Oct. 31, 2002: Happy Halloweird!
• Oct. 25, 2002: Picking Up Spares
• Oct. 11, 2002: Words On Paper, Words In Books
• Oct. 4, 2002: The Evil Squirrel Conspiracy
• Sept. 27, 2002: Art For Art's Sake
• Sept 20, 2002: What's In A Name?
• Sept. 11, 2002: After The Fire
• Sept. 6, 2002: Shop Now, Shop Weirdly